My story 27 years in the making

Happy Tuesday all!!

          Hope you had a great weekend. I was geeking it up this weekend for my exam that was on Sunday. The exam was easier than I thought it was going to be so that was nice:) I feel so free now, a natural high! Just in time for my birthday week:) Ha! Well my birthday is today but I'm celebrating all the rest of the week too! You have to do that when your birthday falls mid-week, right?

I don't have any crazy plans for tonight. Might just go out for dinner and have a couple glasses of wine:) A good friend of mine has his birthday tomorrow so we might be planning a joint venture for the weekend. Should be great times either way!

I've had this tug on my heart that I should tell you my story of where I came from and how I've evolved. Including a huge realization that came to me only yesterday!!!


The beginning

I was born on March 15, 1984 in Vancouver, BC. At 6 months of age my mom packed up her life and moved us to Penticton, BC. This is the place I call home. I was fortunate enough to have many family members close by and that meant oodles of cousins to play with since I didn't have any other siblings at home.

Me with my cuz!

Another cuz! We were very close and always got into trouble played together

I was a beach lover from the start:)

And this was where my love for sugar began....

Give me more!!!

Crash and burn!!

My aunt also ran a daycare so my mom and I would visit often and it was awesome to have a ton of play buddies.Since the cousins close to my age were boys I tended to join in more cops and robbers, tree climbing, and fort building adventures than playing with barbies.

But one thing was clear, I loved animals and would hang out with them any time I got.

I swear I saw an adult version of my dress at Betsy Johnson on Sunday:)

For those of you who don't know my story, I have never met me dad. He doesn't know I exist actually. I never asked about him when I was growing up or wondered why other people had Dads and not me. I was content and was loved by so many family members that I never felt a void.  I do want to find him eventually but I've held off because it's not an easy thing to tell someone straight up that they have a child they never knew about. I don't want anything from him, just for him to know that I'm out there. One day!

My mom, grandma, and me! Three generations:)

As I got older and became more aware of my mom and her struggle with chronic pain, I tried to take on some of the stress that seemed to plague her. I turned my feelings inward and tried everything to make the pain go away for her. Instead of showing love, I tried to be a logical, protective 8 year old. My stress had become so bad that we had to move out of our low-income housing. I had not only taken on the health stress that my mom faced daily, but also the financial. I felt judged on so many levels and saw the whole world pointing its finger at me and seeing me as "poor." It was then that we moved and my mom enrolled me in a program called Big Brothers and Big Sisters. My world was forever changed. I was able to experience things that my mom wasn't able too physically and financially. Annette had a hobby farm with a bunch of horses and a couple bassett hounds. It was heaven visiting her place! She even had some contacts and was able to get me some riding lessons!



It was lots of fun but my trainer was very serious!

Yet being on a horse with the wind in your hair felt amazing!

She took her niece and I to Disneyland too!

Life kept going! I got older and at the same time my self worth declined. I began being hard on myself and comparing my body and looks to other women that I considered prettier than myself. I found one picture in a magazine of this girl who I thought looked amazing in these designer jeans and that was the tipping point.



My last year of high school and the first year of university were some of the saddest times of my life. I totally withdrew from the people are me. I broke the heart of my high school boyfriend, stopped hanging out with friends when it involved food, hid and threw away food, exercised excessively, and stopped going to family dinners. It was a very lonely and exhausting time for me.

I never got dangerously thin but I was getting there. When I finally gave in and started eating something besides dried fruit and wine gums, I became angry. I thought I was failing myself. This led to entering a relationship that was severely controlling yet somehow supportive in my struggle, at least in the beginning.

I went through a hard adjustment period where I went from severe deprivation to overindulging. The same out of control behavior but in the opposite direction. I began to soothe my worries with food and this created a very powerful bad, emotional habit.

I was in my third year of university when I split up with Mr.Controller and he had me so wrapped around his little finger that he basically convinced me to get back together with him. After a month or so I finally came to my senses and left for good. It was very hard as we attended the same small university and even commuted together for awhile after we broke up. Let's just say it was a confusing time for me. He helped me to eat somewhat normally again but in an instant he could tear my self esteem apart with his words.

With time I gained the confidence to ignore him and not feel guilty. But I did this by drinking and partying a lot more than usual. I wasn't going completely party crazy but I felt free and partying made me forget everything that had happened over the past 6 months.

It was during my 4th year university that I met Ryan right smack in the middle of the party phase. I was getting a better grip on my eating and figuring out how to eat in a balanced way.

Ryan's first visit to Kelowna where I was living and attending UBC Okanagan

I moved to the coast after dating 1.5 years long distance. I finished up the remaining art credits online and finally graduated in 2007 with BSc. in biology.

Life was pretty good after I graduated . I found a descent job, lived near a vibrant downtown, and my relationship was becoming pretty serious.

Then this....

We got engaged on September 1st 2007 and then August 30th 2008 we got hitched

After we got married there was another adjustment period and times were rocky for awhile. Eventually we both adapted and learned a few things about ourselves along the way.

I became vegetarian in October 2008 and found myself withdrawing like I did when I was suffering from my disordered eating. I didn't want the questions or the looks when I had to explain to others that I didn't eat this or that. I basically was afraid to be myself and thought others wouldn't accept me.

I really struggled with my fears and shed a ton of tears because of it. I truly thought I couldn't be different.  Again I slowly came out of my shell and began joining friends in situations that involved food. I learned how to respond kindly to questions or reactions.

I had never felt more free than when I stopped resisting who I was!!

My bestie and me on a lake near Edmonton Alberta in March

We bought a house, Ry went to school, and work chugged on. My confidence levels were pretty high during this time and life was good. Once we returned from the Nelson, BC where Ry went to school, there was this shift that started out slowly but has built. I began focusing on my weight and how I looked in the mirror. I was disappointed and saw every flaw possible.Yet, I knew that going the deprivation route was not going to happen, I wouldn't allow it. So, I ate more to soothe my emotions which has led to where I am now. This vicious cycle where the mirror looks okay one day, another day not so much.

Always telling myself I didn't look good enough.

Then yesterday I received three separate emails that basically said the same thing.

 It was like a slap in the face, an instant wake up call.

"When we tell ourselves that we are a certain way, we synergistically do things to keep ourselves in that box in both negative and positive ways. Our body will believe ANYTHING we tell it. So someone who tells herself: “I cannot lose the fat on my stomach” will also do things to fulfill that prophecy." Jenna Phillips

This is me to a T! When I read Jenna's words it hit home big time.

I had fallen out of love with MYSELF. I had separated my body from my mind and made it seem like that was another person staring back at me in the mirror. I judged like no tomorrow. Yet I kept myself in this place for some reason.

After reading those three emails I felt lighter, like a weight had been lifted off my shoulder and the pressure was off. I had my weight on my mind so often that I wasn't enjoying life like it should be enjoyed. After witnessing the tragedy in Japan I felt embarrassed that I was focused on something so minuscule in this life.

I feel like this was a huge turning point for me! Life changing for sure:) 



So there's my story in a nutshell:) Hope you didn't mind such a long read:)

Have you ever read something or seen something that caused an ah-ha moment? 

 

Have a wonderful day everyone! I'm off to get my sweat on and then it's dinner. I'm thinking Indian:)